Vent

I need to vent.  I'm frustrated, sad, pissed off and just plain blah feeling! In reality, I'm jealous as hell; aside from all of the aforementioned emotions I'm also feeling.  For as long as I can remember and probably since I was allowed to "babysit" my next door neighbor when I was eight years old, I have wanted to be a mom.  Throughout my teenage years I was an avid babysitter and during my freshman year in college I landed a job as a full time caregiver for two kids.  Rhyann was two and Cody was only 3 months when I started watching them- that was almost 8 years ago.  I quickly grew to love both Rhyann and Cody more than life and they became a part of my family.  They were both in my wedding and their mother is one of my closest friends.  I loved watching them grow, develop and seeing them change.  Rhyann has grown from a quiet, shy and ridiculously sweet two year old into a beautiful, smart, and indescribably caring young lady.  She is the light of my life.  Cody, has changed as well.  He was such a happy baby, bubbly, silly and so cuddly.  Honestly, he is still encompasses all of those and he wears them well.  He has shown me what it's like to love a child unconditionally.  From the time I met him he had me wrapped around his finger and I caught a slight glimpse of what motherhood feels like, at least what I think it will feel like.
    My nephew was born almost three years ago.  He is, hands down the most precious and loving three year old.  He stole my heart from the minute I saw him- minutes after he was born.  From his fluffy, barely there hair to his perfect nose down to all 10 of his sweet toes, he was perfect.  Long story short, Landen is the closest thing I have to my own child.  I love him more than life.  I sometimes find myself feeling nervous that I won't love my own children as much as I love him.  I know in reality it's impossible, but I still questions it.  As much as I love him, Landen's not mine- he's not my child.  I yearn to experience motherhood first hand and not through friends and family members.  I admit that I am disgustingly envious of those women around me that are mothers.  Many of my friends and family are pregnant.  I'm jealous; I hate to admit it, but I am.  I want a baby so bad and I want to be a mother equally as much.  I know the timing isn't right though.  Aaron's schedule is not conducive to having a baby and even more than that, we're not prepared financially.  I need a job, I need to work for a bit as we have both decided that when the time is here, we would like for me to be able to stay home full time.  We need a stable place to live.  Right now we are renting and although it's stable for the time being, it may be in limbo sooner than later.

     I'm working on living in the moment, appreciating what I have now and not yearning for more.  I just married my soul mate, I need to enjoy being married and appreciate the hours of sleep that I get each night because I know once we do have a baby, sleep will be few and far between.  I want to enjoy being a wife and enjoy my husband, just us.  I'm still learning what "we" are as husband and wife before adding a child to the mix.  I love my husband more than life and I know that when the timing is right, all the pieces will fit together, the planets will align and I will be a mother and we will be a family.